Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
This is a true ally.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I have so many questions.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them