Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.