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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
6. me as a lawyer
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
reminder
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.