*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message