How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
You Might Also Like
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
it must be school picture day
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”