[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
It be like that sometimes 😆
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name