Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
This kid will have a bright future.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
This makes total sense…
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined