Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
best first i’ve ever seen
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….