*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
You Might Also Like
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
smartest karate player in the world
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.