Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”