When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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the rocks need my help
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel