The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Just got to our Airbnb!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.