ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know