When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I know
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
mom had nothing to worry about
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.