Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
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where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.