If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.