Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
How high do the levels go?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Don’t talk down to me
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.