Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
be careful
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I don’t make the rules sorry
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .