CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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Overindulged this afternoon.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards