My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
This is my bus stop.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Only a mother’s love …
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.