You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
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My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Accurate
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.