Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
You Might Also Like
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?