“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Great Canadian literature.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.