[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
When I said I liked it rough.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.