I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
i made a craigslist ad !
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.