three things we don’t talk about
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Squirrels before girls.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.