[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.