If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
HERE’S MARKY
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀