I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”