GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
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if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Me :
All Day At Night
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Nose
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?