During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
You Might Also Like
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Inside you there are two wolves
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”