I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
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No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
won’t smith
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.