You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?