saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
This guy’s not having it 😆
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.