When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
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BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
.. do you even science?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.