Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
New favorite tiktok
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it