When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy