The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.