Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
What?!?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Found the job I’m suited for
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.