There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.