i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My Plans 2020
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?