when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK