Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Cheers Twitter.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Bobby pin
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Remember folks 😂
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”