In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
fourth time’s the charm
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.