A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Tony Hawk, age 6
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I know this now 😂
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.