Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
being a writer on Twitter:
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit