The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”