therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I put the h in mysterious.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
So sick of all these stupid rules
This hospital has everything
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.