[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
You Might Also Like
💁🏻♂️
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“OMGJK” -atheists
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”