My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Every damn time
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.